Smackdowns Are My Love Language

Romance?

Me:  Do you think my new story POISON DANCE is a romance?

Husband: (tearing eyes away from computer) …. sure

Me:  Do you think POISON DANCE is a bodice ripper?

Husband:  … sure

Me:  You’re not even listening, are you?

Husband:  Well, I’ve read very few romances, and very few bodice rippers, so I wouldn’t know.

Me:  Well, MIDNIGHT THIEF has romance in it, but it’s mostly an adventure story.  But in POISON DANCE the central point of the story *is* their romance.

Husband:  Fine then, it’s a romance.

Me: (grinning) You know what that means?

Husband:  What?

Me: Naked male torso on the cover!

Husband:  (rolls eyes)  Fine….. (Begins to take off shirt.)

Me:  (collapses into hysterical laughter)

Husband:  Wait, what’s so funny?

As You Wish

Me:  Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.
Him:  Fetch your own damn pitcher.

I guess I’m no Buttercup…

Sh*t White/Asian Couples Say: Utensils

“I know this is not your ancestral utencil, but you really should learn how to use a fork.”

-White husband after Asian me drops a forkful of salad on my lap

The “Did Not Like” card

Him:  I think I’m going to invoke the “did not like” card.

Me:  What’s that?

Him:  If I did not like dinner, I don’t have to do the dishes.

Me:  I think I’m going to invoke the “dinner dumped over head” card

Him:  You’re going to dump dinner over your head?

Me.: -.-

Him:  Well, if the husband is the “head of the wife”…

Me:  That’s totally going on the internet.  Though it’d be funnier if I’d said that last line.

Him:  *expansive gesture*  You can have it.

Cookies

Me:  Maybe we shouldn’t have so many cookies in the house.

Him:  What if we limited ourselves to one per day?  Okay, let’s be realistic.  How about two per day?

Me:  I guess three per day seems reasonable.

Him:  Yeah, we shouldn’t have a problem if we stick to four per day.

Me:  All right, five per day it is.

Hiring Someone

Me:  My parents said that a good wife has to do at least three of the following five things:  1)  Look pretty, 2) Keep the house clean, 3) Contribute to the family finances, 4) Cook delicious food, and 5) Be a good spiritual presence.

Husband:  Well, if you did the finances thing enough, you could hire someone to do the other things for you.

Me:  Okay

Husband:  Yeah, like you could hire someone to look pretty for you.

Me: -.-

Me:  Will you still love me when I’m old and ugly?

Him:  You’ll never be old and ugly!

Me:  Wrong answer.

Him:  Even if you think you’re old and ugly, I won’t think you are.

Me:  Wrong answer.

Him:  Okay, even if I think you’re old and ugly, I’ll still love you.

Me:  Wrong answer.

Him:  So what’s the right answer?

Me:  ”I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Him:  Oh.  Well, I’m still here, aren’t I?

Me:  Yay.

Me:  I want to audition for Beauty and the Geek

Husband:  As a geek?

Me:  Yeah!

Husband: … You know, most wives would slap their husbands for saying that.

Husband has requested that I make our meals “meatier and carb-ier.” I’m pretty sure that means I need to add more quinoa.

Shallow

Me: It makes me feel hopeful about humanity when guys with a history of dating hot girls worry that they’re being shallow.

Husband:  I never worry about being shallow.

Me:  *saddest face ever*

Husband:  Wait, that came out wrong